Stealth Perfectionism

Being a perfectionist is often viewed as something to aspire to. Secretly, most of us have believed that perfectionists really do things more perfectly than most of us. Not only is that just not true, but perfectionism can lead to missed opportunities and failure to try new things.

I get it though. Even though you’re reading this, it’s not as if you’re a perfectionist. You just have a touch of impostor syndrome, right? I’ll let you in on a little secret: impostor syndrome isn’t a clinical issue. It’s a Silicone Valley product like fake entrepreneurs. All those thoughts like, “I don’t have the same qualifications as this other person, therefore, I’ll never be a “real” [insert profession here,” personality psychologists have been studying that for a long time. It’s perfectionism.

Do you yell at drivers on the highway because you can’t stand how they’re driving? That’s also perfectionism.

Before anyone gets deep in their feelings thinking I’m shaming them for their perfectionism, I’m not. We all have some perfectionism. It’s a personality trait and I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s universal. I have to share the caveat here because while it is part of research in personality, it can end up being lumped into other areas like neuroticism or even openness to experience if you’re looking at dimensions on The Big Five Personality test.

Personality traits, according to the American Psychological Association’s definition, tend to be stable. When it comes to perfectionism since it’s a personality trait, does that mean it can be changed? That’s harder to say. You can change how you respond to measures of perfectionism (and I don’t just mean by changing your answers, but who knows, maybe people in studies just did that.) If you want to see a baseline for your own perfectionism, you can take a test online here.

The remedy for perfectionism that is creating problems for you is most likely to be found in adjusting habits and behaviors. While it is not easy to build new habits or behaviors, with enough motivation, guidance, and persistence, you can do enough to move the needle on how much your perfectionistic tendencies are running the show.

As I tell everyone I work with, and myself, the first step in the process is awareness. Until you accept that you’re a perfectionist and acknowledge how harmful being a perfectionist is to you and or your relationships (and I can almost guarantee you that it is) change is not possible. If you truly believe that your journey toward perfection just hasn’t paid off yet, then you’re going to just keep waiting, and that’s fine if you’re fine with that, but no intervention will work because you won’t be committed to making changes.

Start by doing one thing differently. Maybe that one thing is acknowledging that perfection doesn’t lead to better outcomes and actually recognizing examples of the ways it doesn’t. How about medical errors that don’t get reported? What about people opting themselves out of job applications they really want to complete because they are just positive they wouldn’t be considered? What about the people dying every day from eating disorders, or little girls suffering injuries because their mothers are bleaching their skin white? You don’t need to look far to see that comparing yourself or anyone else to one advertiser’s ideal of what a successful person looks like is unhealthy.

I invite you to join me on a journey through these posts to explore how perfectionism shows up in your life. We needn’t be all negative either. I’m sure you can recognize some ways that your old friend is beneficial to you.

Let’s unpack that together.

In the comments, please share three ways you believe perfectionism helps you and three ways it hurts you.