Perfectionism and Defensiveness
Even though most of us will give lip service to the phrase, “Nobody gets it right on the first try,” if you’re a perfectionist, it’s likely you still wish you could get stuff right on the first try. Maybe you’ve even been lucky and have gotten certain things right on the first try. It’s worth acknowledging that most skills take time, practice, and feedback to build. It’s often a point of pride for us to reflect on how many hours of practice we’ve put into learning an instrument or language. If perfection were possible without any time or effort, being able to perform well wouldn’t mean as much as it does for a lot of things.
Avoiding a Defensive Response
Some people are better at delivering feedback than others. When feedback is provided in a manner that is insulting, condescending, or threatening, nobody takes it well. It’s natural to become defensive in those situations. It’s also best practice to ask before providing feedback.
A big problem for perfectionists receiving feedback is anything perceived as criticism is a reminder that they aren’t perfect or an indication that they’ve done something “wrong.”
If you feel defensiveness creeping up when someone makes suggestions on how to improve on something, here are some things to notice:
What are you feeling? What emotions and bodily sensations do you notice? Is your heart beating faster, do you feel flushed? If you notice any signs of panic or distress, pay attention to your breathing. Try exhaling for four counts, hold for four counts, inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, and repeat until you feel calmer. Also, make sure you feel your feet firmly on the ground.
Allow yourself time and space to process and respond. In general, it helps to thank the person for the feedback, and if you can, just repeat back the most objective summary you can of what you heard them saying and say you will take it under consideration. This is not a promise to do anything. It is important to acknowledge that you heard what they said because people naturally tend to just repeat themselves if you don’t make it clear that you heard them. The idea is to spare yourself from having to hear something difficult repeatedly.
Do something kind for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a short walk or making a cup of coffee or tea. Just let yourself enjoy a moment to get comfortable and centered.
When you’re ready, consider the feedback you received as objectively as you can. Is there any information you received that could improve something you’ve done? Is incorporating this feedback into your work optional or is it required? Is there anything that would be substantially more difficult if you did something differently? Would something be substantially more difficult if you chose not to incorporate the suggestion? It might be helpful to jot down your thoughts and feelings about these questions in a notebook that is just for your reference. When you’re done, go ahead and work on other stuff for the rest of the day. Another good idea is to limit this activity to 15-30 minutes. It’s important to consider the details while they are fresh in your mind, but don’t beat yourself up or dwell on them.
The next time you perform the task in question, review your notes and make a decision. You also might consider asking a friend or colleague for some input. One quick word of warning: sometimes friends will focus on showing an alliance to you over being mindful of what is best for your career and development. While it’s great to have supportive friends if you know someone is likely to just dismiss the feedback you received and say something like, “Oh, So and So said that? They’re just stupid,” that’s not the person to go to for this.
Be Patient and Kind
It’s hard for a lot of people to tell someone else when they aren’t 100% happy with how something was done. Unfortunately, this can often lead to comments that are abrupt or off-putting. Also, some feedback really is way off-base, and it’s important to recognize that. Be kind and patient with yourself. Give yourself processing time. Depending on what you heard, this might look like just a few minutes, but it might mean taking a few days, and that’s okay. If something hurts, it hurts.
Also, try to be patient and kind with whoever approaches you and assume that they are doing the best they can when it comes to how they share something with you. Do people enjoy the power trip of being able to boss other people around or have a delusion that they are improving performance through hypercriticism? Absolutely. Are those strategies effective? No. They are also common and, no, bending to every whim that comes out of that type of manager, stakeholder, friend, etc. isn’t going to help you grow and is probably best ignored. Just don’t hold yourself back by ignoring tidbits that might be hard to hear, but are actually helpful.
