Forgiveness and Revenge

I’m late to the party here, but I’m just now finishing Game of Thrones, and you probably don’t need to be a fan to know that this series is full of old grudges, tit for tat, bad blood, and, some forgiveness. You’re probably familiar with Arya Stark’s running hit list and how it ends up shaping her character arc. As a trauma therapist and a trauma survivor, I understand how difficult it is to process unforgivable acts committed against us, and the pain in finding a place for those experiences in our lives. Plus, there’s usually the questions of do I forgive the person who hurt me? Am I hurting myself by holding a grudge? Do I seek revenge?

Revenge

Revenge is the most fun to start with here because it’s so dramatic. If you’re feeling guilty about silently plotting against your enemies, don’t feel too bad. It’s a popular motivation in fiction for a reason. In fact, the novel The Lost Apothecary by Sarah Penner is about an apothecary that specializes in supplying women with poison for men who have done them wrong. It was released this month and bookstores are struggling to keep it in stock.

In general, seeking revenge is more fun as a fantasy than a realistic plan. Seeking justice is another thing. If you are the victim of a violent crime, it is fair to have the perpetrator held to account for the crime. However, that isn’t revenge. That’s making a report and allowing our justice system to proceed on its course. Unfortunately, we have seen this fail rape survivors and victims of domestic violence, and it’s heartbreaking. However, it’s important to be mindful of your personal health and safety.

Forgiveness

The act of forgiving someone else does not need to involve the other person. At least, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t. I see it more as an act of releasing the negative energy I have toward that other person and giving myself permission to move on. It’s part of the reason I think reciting The Metta in yoga can be so powerful. We are all flawed, and we all deserve freedom from suffering and to be filled with “lovingkindness.”

Feelings of anger and anxiety are normal when it comes to being mistreated and those emotions are valid. It’s healthy to process them and acknowledge them, and it’s possible to do that in a constructive way. Use this as an opportunity to soften toward yourself and to build a greater sense of awareness and authenticity.

Grudges and “Door Slams”

A lot of people take the approach of cutting people out of their lives. The Atlantic Monthly noted that it’s almost a new trend to cut parents out of your life. Each of us needs to make the decisions that make the most sense at the time. Most people have some toxic qualities. I’ve been trying to not categorize people as much as I once did. It seems fairer to say that person x exhibits some toxic traits just as person y exhibits some depressive traits.

If you notice that interactions with certain people tend to bring out the worst in you or leave you feeling terrible, maybe it is best to limit your contact with those people. Sometimes, if you’re struggling with substance abuse, you really do need to cut ties with people who just tempt you to use. That is a bit different from cutting someone off because they didn’t call on your birthday. (Not that it doesn’t hurt to get ignored by a bestie on that special day because it stinks.)

Unfortunately, nobody has one answer that is right for everyone in every circumstance. You only have control over what you do and how you feel about your actions. Sometimes, the best thing to do is sit down, take a few deep breaths and ask, “Do I need to do anything about this or do I just need to process this pain?”