My Parents Made This Look So Easy

I’m not sure about your parents’ decorating style, but mine inherited a bunch of stuff from family members and didn’t throw anything away until it just stopped working. At one point, we had three kerosene lamps (with kerosene in them that could be spilled everywhere, but that we didn’t use for light—-thank god) and this crusty 70s table lamp with a beige crepe shade that had these spots on it. The lampshade kind of looked like it had somehow been left out in the sun too long and gotten moldy. I don’t know how those two things are possible, but that’s what it looked like. Gross. It also smells musty. To me, that lamp is a symbol of everything I don’t want in my adult life.

At the same time, my parents always found some way to feed us. I’d say we always had food in the house, but for a variety of reasons, while that’s technically true, it wasn’t always that fresh. My mother was a fan of McDonald’s, Burger King, and early bird specials everywhere. My dad was too passive to say anything, and I was the child, so I didn’t get a vote. We spent a lot of time in the car and at mediocre restaurants waiting for food.

Still, we had a house, and after I graduated from high school, they paid for college with a college fund, and have been able to help me out whenever I’ve been in a tight spot. They’ve never had an issue buying a car. They’re able to perform maintenance on their home (granted, not on the schedule most of us would prefer if we wanted a House Beautiful place, but their house is still standing.)

This all goes without saying that while I was growing up, we visited museums, and enjoyed all kinds of cultural opportunities.

A lot of clients I’ve worked with have parents who, at least appeared, incredibly successful in their careers, bought multiple homes even before retirement, put several siblings through school, maintained a lovely home, and continue to keep things stable.

Meanwhile, most of us graduated from college into a marketplace that requires relocation plus years of working at a salary that barely breaks $40k regardless of rent costs and student loan payments. Under those circumstances, it’s hard not to sit back and ask, “What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should have majored in something else?” or “Shoot! Why didn’t I finish my degree?” or “Does this mean I need to go to graduate school? I don’t know if I can afford graduate school.”

Own Your Choices

This isn’t my way of saying that you chose poorly and just need to live with it forever. I don’t mean that at all. I’m just saying this: we make the decisions we make based on the information we have at the time and the way we feel about it. Also, you don’t need to justify anything to anybody. Unless that person wants to actually take over your life and all the responsibilities that come with it while you go sit on a beach in Maui, It’s none of their business.

Be Open to Change, But Don’t Try to Change Everything

Willingness to do at least one thing differently in the interest of getting a different result is healthy. You may decide you need to make multiple changes in your life, but trying to completely redo everything rarely works out well.

When I worked in academic advising, I sometimes would see students who had just gotten divorced, given birth, switched schools, moved to a new state, and decided they wanted to start a full time clinical nursing program within the same six month time period. I didn’t like even helping someone like that sign-up for classes, not because I don’t support growth and development, but because those people were always the same ones who showed up a month later begging to drop all their courses because they couldn’t handle it all. At the same time, did they want to hear it from me that it wasn’t a good idea to try to do EVERYTHING right then? Hard nope.

If you’re reading this, I hope it’s a sign that you’re taking a calm and collected approach to planning things out.

Try a new budget. Try a new diet. Try a new communication approach with your partner. Get a therapist. Take a career assessment (a real one, not one of the free ones online that just says you’re beautiful and love details.) Take a class in something that interests you. Please, do a thing, but don’t try to do it all at once. Change is good, but it’s also stressful, and trying to do to many things differently at the same time can backfire in a big way.

Remember: This is Your Life

Circumstances today aren’t what they were when your parents were adults. Some things are better. Some things are worse. However, you also probably have a different lifestyle and different goals from the ones your parents did at your age. It’s not easy to blaze your own trail. Maybe you don’t even know what that looks like for you more than a step or two ahead, and that’s okay. Still, comparing what you’re trying to do to what your parents decided to do is a bit silly since you’re going for different things.

We have a lot of options now when it comes to ways to live. People sometimes choose to stay in apartments and/or have roommates for life while others move into tiny houses or trailers. Some people lead completely nomadic existences. It’s all good, and it’s important to be clear on what the American Dream looks like for you, so that you know whether or not you’re getting closer to realizing it. I have helped a lot of people clarify their vision for the life they want as well as define intermediate steps to achieve that vision. If you find yourself getting stuck, you can always set up a time to discuss with me.

photo credit: susanjanegolding spectators via photopin (license)