Are Broad Expectations Bringing You Down?
It’s almost impossible to beat the high of achieving a goal, especially if it’s a big one like earning a college degree, buying a house, getting an amazing job, etc. While a lot of people are happy and satisfied with hitting those milestones without much thought, it’s worth recognizing that most of us need to define goals more clearly to know when we’ve “made it.” The less defined a goal is, the harder it is to know when it has been achieved which can mean missing opportunities to celebrate. Any close friend of mine will tell you that I feel like it’s a sin to miss out on an opportunity to open up a bottle of bubble, take a luxurious bath, or whatever the celebration is, but yes, I do feel strongly about the need to celebrate all the wins. Here’s another thing to keep in mind: it doesn’t stop at the expectations we have for ourselves. When goals and expectations aren’t specific enough, they can also eat away at our ability to be as satisfied and present as we could be in our relationships.
Expectations and Relationships
This wouldn’t be a blog post from me if I didn’t mention what I’m streaming on Netflix now, so I’ll just get it over with: I’ve been watching Married at First Sight and as usual, I’m late to the party, but if you don’t already know, Married at First Sight is a reality TV series that features a set of couples each season who are matched through questionnaires and workshops by experts. They shop for dresses and tuxes, meet their spouses for the first time at the altar, exchange vows, go on a honeymoon, and move in together to see if they think their relationship will work after eight weeks.
I haven’t seen all the seasons and this definitely doesn’t apply to every couple, but I’m seeing it often enough in the show and I’ve seen it often enough in my practice that it seemed worth mentioning problematic expectations about partners and relationships.
In season 10, Derek and Katie meet with a pastor regarding their relationship after the honeymoon and Derek says that he never can recall being in love and doesn’t think he could possibly fall in love with his new wife in eight weeks. I’m not going to turn this into a mini paper with citations and all that jazz, but a lot of relationship experts would probably agree that it takes at least that long to really get to know someone and truly love them.
However, Derek is sharing an implicit expectation that A. he knows what love looks like even though he has never been in it and B. that it will or won’t happen on a certain schedule.
The marriage counselor encourages him to consider what he means be that and challenges him to consider if he has been in love before and just didn’t recognize it for what it was.
A lot of us get caught up in an idea of what we think love should look like or how it should feel, or how we should feel about a partner we’re “crazy” about when, if anything, the popular culture standards we have regarding relationships are incredibly unhealthy.
Know what is important to you in a relationship. What are the five qualities that a partner needs to have that are non-negotiable for you?
How do you want to feel in a relationship?
Expectations andYour Self
For a lot of us perfectionists, anything short of 100% perfection just isn’t good enough, but that isn’t a sustainable way to get through life. We need to make decisions. We need to be able to finish things. We deserve to be happy and feel we have worth even if we mess up on little things.
So when it comes to career goals, housing goals, financial goals, create specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-based goals. Know what you want and when you want it. Anything else is gravy.
Questions to Explore
How do you set goals for yourself?
How do you define success?
How do you handle disappointment?
How do you communicate your expectations of others to them?
