Difficult Adult Conversations With Your Parents
People chatting by a lake.
Even though a lot of us are having virtual gatherings with family this year, some people have opted to move back in with the parental units to save money and have human contact. Let’s be honest: our pets and plants totally understand us, but after a while, it’s nice to have a companion that speaks your language. (I’m making that part up about pets and plants understanding us. Not based on science. Beware!) Understandably, this is a time for reflection.
2020 is drawing to an end, and now that the election is finally settled, things are quiet and tense. During an existential crisis like a pandemic, it’s natural to want to have deep conversations with people you care about, and for most of us, that includes our parents. These conversations can be so important for strengthening a genuine bond and practicing being fully authentic with people who only are used to seeing you in a certain context.
If you’re in therapy or have been taking the time to read more self-help books or blogs, maybe you’re starting to question certain aspects of your upbringing or the way your parents still talk about you. Whether you’re wondering about what dad was doing during his alone time in the basement when you were a toddler, or why your mom makes fat jokes every time she sees you grab a snack, it’s important to remember that anything that leaves you feeling icky can and should be addressed if this relationship is important to you.
Here’s the thing to remember: your parents will get defensive. It might come as a brush off like, “I did my best.” Sometimes it’s the exaggerated mia culpa, “I know, I know. I’m terrible. I never did anything right.”
It’s probably going to be hard to hear any of that in response to raising an issue that is important to you. Here are some key things to keep in mind:
Your parents will feel guilty and vulnerable. Assure them that you believe they did their best and that you appreciate how much they have done and continue to do for you.
Make it clear that you love them and that you are bringing this to their attention because it is causing you pain, and name the words, situation, or actions specifically and how they affect you.
Begin with your desired outcome in mind. Have a specific request and phrase it as diplomatically as possible. For example: please don’t make comments about my weight when you see me eating chips.
What difficult conversation are you dreading this holiday?
