A Marriage on the Rocks isn’t a Delicious Cocktail

We all know the popular wisdom: relationships are work, staying in love is a choice we make every day, communication is important, some conflict is “normal,” and that it’s important not to “dwell on" the past. This is all true. It’s also true that everyone makes mistakes, especially with the person who is closest to them. Here’s something else that’s true: people change, and that can mean we grow together, but it also means we can grow apart. You can have all the best intentions going into a marriage only to realize years later that you really don’t like the person you’ve become in that relationship, or you don’t like the person your spouse has become, or that the marriage just doesn’t fit what you need in your life anymore.

Feeling Guilty and Selfish

I haven’t seen an “official” outline of stages of processing a failed marriage, or even if I would “count” this a stage, per se, but almost everyone who considers leaving their partner feels guilty and selfish even for considering it. One thing that I just want to get out of the way here is we all are selfish sometimes because we have to be. You are the only person who can put You first. Not even your parents can advocate for your needs the way you can and someone needs to.

Regardless of what you've done, you do not owe anyone the remaining chance for happiness in your life.

Maybe you’ve had “emotional affairs.” Maybe you’ve had full-on affairs. If it has gotten to that point, I’m sure you feel guilty, and rightly so, but lingering in that guilt and “doing time” in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling just because you feel like you somehow owe it to your partner, isn’t going to make-up for it.

While the urge to end a marriage isn’t always mutual, I think most people would agree that they don’t want to be someone their partner has settled for. As much as they might hate to see you go, and as sad as they might be about this chapter of their life ending, that’s definitely not something that I would want. I don’t think it’s something that you would want. And even if you think your partner has the empathy of a dry salami, they probably do sense that you’re unhappy.

Staying can seem like the noble or merciful thing to do, but it usually isn’t. Even if you have children, it’s actually better for your children to not see you stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy. That doesn’t mean children aren’t affected by divorce. Going from one household where everyone lives together to parents living separately creates financial stress and can mean a lot of adjustments for the children regarding time to get to school and spending half of the week with one parent and half of the week with the other. It’s not a perfect situation, but in most aspects of our lives, we have to choose the best possible option; perfect isn’t usually on the table.

Shame & Embarrassment

At some point, you have to tell people you and your spouse are splitting up, and the prospect of doing this seems to create as much anxiety for most of us as actually doing it. As soon as something makes the split real, we tend to assume we’ve failed because our marriage ended.

If you married between the ages of 20-25, there’s a 60% chance your marriage will end in divorce. I can’t decide how you define “failure,” but if your marriage ends, you’re not an outlier, particularly if you married young.

As far as any awkwardness that arises about changing your name at work, needing time off to move, or explaining the situation to friends, the other person’s reaction says more about them than it does about you. The good news/bad news about a life event like this is you find out who your real friends are. Often, you will find that the people who seem the most shocked or unsupportive of your decision to part ways with your partner are having marital issues of their own.

Blurry Start and End Points

One of the things that really stinks about a divorce is we don’t have public rituals or models to follow, so we end up navigating a huge life decision at a time when we are desperate for validation and filled with self doubt, and we don’t have reliable reference points. Sure, we see celebrity divorces all over the covers of tabloids at the grocery store, but none of those publications tell you anything about dividing up the kitchen stuff or how the couple handled sleeping arrangements until they could figure out housing.

You need to do what feels safe and right for you. It’s also okay to ask friends who have been through the process if they have any pointers, but nobody else can tell you the best way to handle the situation.

Take good care of yourself and do what’s best for you right now.